Letting Go

How do we let go to something? Truly let go of it, shake it off, breathe anew, and NOT go back to wishing that we still had 'it' in our lives?

I honestly wonder about that sometimes. Actually, I wonder about it alot. Even after having become so good at saying goodbye to places, people, and things. I sometimes find myself reminiscing about the past, and how I came to be here without being there, having it, or being with that person.

It is so easy to throw up those two fingers and say peace, with conviction even. But as that beautiful character from Closer did, when you dont love someone, you dont love em. Thats it. But that does not mean that you do not care for them. That does not mean that when you are alone at night and you hear the booms outside of your window which shake the mantle and your glass of water, that you dont wish you were there next to them, wherever they are in the world. That does not mean that the regret that you hold in your heart for asking them to marry you only knowing that the answer that they would give was going to be no. But the question had to be asked. . .

But how do we maintain friendships with those who touched our hearts so closely and then decided to depart? We shun them. Because a leopard never changes its spots. A scorpion will always be a scorpion and it is in their nature to sting us.
Someone whose manner needs to hurt others does not know how not to. Even if all is going well, they need to bring the dagger out and stick it in to emphasize the fact that the feeling of being happy is not the feeling which they are accustomed to and no one else should have that joy of just...being.

I have said goodbye to so many that it is becoming habit. When I hear the strings of that symphony being tuned, I resign to the feeling that comes with it knowing that this too shall pass. I even council my friends on the best methods of forgetting and moving on. Easiest way I say is to just let go and leave all communication to the past. But I reserve the best medication for myself. It involves leaving, but they do not know that it involves leaving a whole life behind and creating a new one. Being a new person. Even leaving ones country of birth to seek a new life elsewhere. And then even that become habitual. It is habit that it works and then becomes habit to leave even before things turns sour. Thus the medicine becomes the malady...

And I love my medicine almost as I love my malady but I can not continue this fucked up addiction.