In Search Of....

In Search of...Normalcy

2011-02-09T00:03:00.001-08:00

These last few weeks have gone by in a blur...literally. I do not sleep at a regular time, and when I wake up I tend to take an early morning nap.

But would I change it for something more schedule like...probably not. All the connections and socializing that make the world go round takes place after dark. It is hard to imagine making any real headway in getting to know people when you have a 10pm curfew looming. That is what I tell myself. However, with the body getting older and the liver getting weaker, perhaps it is time for me to call this one a loss and do what I can to take a change of pace as a good thing?

The problem is also that there is so much on my to-do list that I am ignoring...that it just piles and piles and piles. Such is the life of a _______, and so the search for time continues.

And now, off to the next adventure.

(tidbit- she told me that I could call her as a bootycall. FTW )

2 Years.- In search of Time.

2011-02-01T05:25:00.000-08:00

It has been two years since leaving this space to try other things. It has worked.

Today, I am sitting in my office (still in the Middle East), watching Al-Jazeera as they describe how Egypt 'MAY' get a new government and Mubarak 'MAY' be out shortly.

Talk about a revolution...

It is televised.

But, welcome back me.
And, welcome back you.

In Search Of....it All.

And....done.

2009-02-01T00:04:00.000-08:00

Thanks everyone. Its been real.

I am going to take a hiatus from this blog because...well, my life is starting to be mundane as hell. I am not content. And until I can actually start living the life of excitement that I romanticize about, there is no point in frustrating myself in wishing that I was 'there' right now. Or with 'her'. Or doing 'that'. And writing about it makes me more and more upset that Im stuck in this rut.

So, im throwing out all plans, and seeing where things will go. I hope that takes me to Brazil or somewhere else where (non-kidnapping) adventures occur all of the time.

Ill still read your blogs.

I can still be reached at itmeansunique@gmail.com . Thanks for reading.

So yes.
Good Bye.
Until Later.

Vicky Christina Barcelona

2009-01-29T23:54:00.000-08:00

This is an interesting film, and it has me thinking about last night.
The movie is only 20 minutes in, and already i can tell I like the characters. 2 women go away to Barcelona for a summer. They meet a guy (a painter) who takes them on a random trip.

I love it.

Last night I met a couple who was visiting our bar. We were chatting and it came out that he was from Lebanon. Upon which I shouted how much I LOVE Beirut. Apparently, this is the best thing that I could have said, because after some conversation, we agreed to continue our dialogue and pretty much we agreed to converse about me working for their company. Based out of Lebanon, and traveling the region to do different projects, M&E....

Are you kidding me. This is like THE best news that I have heard in a very long time.
I mean, even with my pending career changing interview in exactly 20 days, I am still looking at other options... always looking at other options.

Well, such is the way of the world. The film is 54 minutes in. Penelope Cruz is in it. So that means that this has film has jumped to my top four...because Penelope...is kind of my prototype.

At least the characters that she has played.

Living in Beirut was a dream of mine that developed since the second I got off of the plane there. And the week just kept on getting better, and better, and better. And the culture, and the people that I met, and the life, and the parties, and the beaches...and the spirit of life.

While there I met some amazing artists. Photographers, painters, movie directors, art house curators, writers, actors...wow. So naturally, I was inclined to just pack up and go to art school there.
And then there was this picture that I saw. One of the creative types that I met there had taken a picture that she took of herself at 8:15 am while still lazing around in bed. It was beautiful. And there I went romanticizing about this ideal of waking up to an adventure everyday...starting with that early glimpse of life in her eyes.

Its not so much the job, or the exciting feeling of the place, its the newness. It is the not knowing. it is the feeling that tomorrow is different from today.
The world....

A day off

2009-01-28T04:10:00.000-08:00

Ive decided that today is going to be my day off.

Because we were required to take 4 hours of HR training recently, I know it is beneficial for me to use my comp time, come home and relax, as opposed to saying something utterly true, but career changing.

So. Here I am. In my underwear and a T-shirt, lying on my bed an occasionally looking at the definition of my legs. . .
In an hour i will get up and paint. But then ill go back to sleep.

Talk about a bummy day. UGH. I think its REALLY time that I came home.

Family Life...and taxes

2009-01-27T00:28:00.000-08:00

Its tax season, almost.

Technically you can turn your tax sheet in, and get your money by V-day (valentines not vagina) in your account. IF YOU ARE WISE.

Over the years, I have done this, did it early and did it often, well...just once.

This year though :( SMH, I cant. I mean, I HOPE I don't owe anything, but man o man o man o man, these mofos are anally raping me.

I don't want to do the numbers, but like...why did they take $33k from me in fed taxes.? Totally unfair. Then another $10k or so in State taxes....(stay with me, that's like $43k) Medicare $3k, Social Security $6k, retirement $11k (even though its mine later)...total deductions...roughly $63 and then with the insurance and life insurance that pushes it to $66k.

$66k...that's $66,000. That is so wrong on so many levels. I could support a FAMILY on the amount of deductions they took from me this year alone :(

But I guess...at the end of the day, at least I have a job snarf snarf.

Now, supposedly having a family reduces how much you have to pay in taxes. So...next logical step would be for me to get married, have kids, and save money...right? Uh, not so fast. That is a fallacy in my thought process, but then again, so is paying $66K in taxes. Ugh...maybe I should have bought a house last year too.

I FAIL.

Money FAIL :(

In office breath

2009-01-26T03:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Person who comes to my desk to discuss important business,

Please approach me with Listerine in pocket. Because honestly.... I'm offended.

Have a pleasant afternoon.

Me.

Best Last Line in a Letter

2009-01-25T23:31:00.000-08:00

Continuing with my theme so far this year. The last line in a letter I recently received. It is so pointed, ambiguous, definite, AWESOME (in my twisted head)...

"...I remember what was, sometimes wonder what could have been, and am grateful for what is. I'm going to stop wondering about what the future may hold for the two of us."

The last (two) sentences...well, I don't know what to say to that.

It is simple. It is honest. It is unassuming. It is witty.

Whoever wrote me that letter...
Thanks. I'm going to stop wondering too. . .

Worst Hangover Ever...kinda but not really

2009-01-24T01:02:00.000-08:00

I am not someone you want to be with POST a night out drinking...at least not these days.

What do I do? I get all mushy gushy. Not like those girls in your college who were crying at the bar. Nope. I come home and cant stop playing Con Te Partiro on repeat, while sending out countless drunken text messages...via gchat (AMAZING in its own respect).

Now that I look back on last night. I am a wuss. lol.
I am now listening to Air and Simple Gifts....

Its a great way to motivate yourself to get out of bed at noon to do something Barack-like. Like getting lunch...or shaving. Or writing a book or even READING a book.

Damn you Italian Embassy. You bring out the worst in me....kinda.

Proximity does not guarantee friendship

2009-01-23T14:03:00.000-08:00

Why why why do people in the workplace feel that because we sit desks apart that we are automatically considered facebook friends?

Tonight I was at one of the Embassy parties that occur often enough here and I saw a co-worker who sent me a facebook friend invite a few days ago. I had been thinking about how to approach the situation.
Do I
A: Limited profile them?
B: Keep on denying that I really use facebook anyway and that Ill accept when I log in?
C: Reject them and deny deny deny
D: Accept them, keep things PC for a week while they look through my pictures and notes, and then defriend them for a burger?

Ok, so each one has its merits and downsides. A is great because they can not see shit...but other people in the office have full access and someone will feel slighted.
B. they walk by my desk all the time and it is up.
C. sounding so awesome now.
D. Also very awesome but FB has taken the program down.

Hmm....what would you do?

Work place romances...kinda....

2009-01-23T04:33:00.000-08:00

I would like to start off by saying, that I am NOT in one of those. My rule of thumb for the last few years has been to avoid them like the plague...simply because well, I have seen others take that path and have not been impressed with the results.

So how to avoid one when clearly someone seems NOT to get the point?
Avoid the person.
Great. But when you live on a compound more closely connected than a small college campus, and have multiple opportunities for awkward run ins....then what do you do?
Avoid the person.

I have been successfully using my 'Avoid the person' solution for a few months, and things seem to die down...but last week on the way to a meeting I saw the person and he tried to WAIT...HE?

YEP.
HE.

~~~Now, I am someone who feels that people have the right to do what they will, live how they will, and love how they want. At the same time, I appreciate those same people who understand that not everyone shares in their desire to love the same way or manner that they do. Particularly when it involves men showing interest in me. While I am flattered and all, and can understand how my charisma or clothing coordination (i work some pink in) can give you the gall to make a move. But my ducking and dodging and looks of NO!-ness should give you the hint that I am not interested.
Im already so picky when it comes to women, but come one Sam, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" (if you name the source of the quote you get a cool post card from one of my trips)~~~~

He tries to corner me to chat or whatever, but I am not having it, plus im late for a meeting ...but now he knows that I am here.

I get a text this morning asking me to call him...no.
A few hours later I reply by text saying that Im super busy w/ deadlines and such and that I have no time.
The response is to call when the deadlines die.
I must say, if this is how it feels when women have to constantly fend off the advances of us guys. WOW. You girls have tough skin. Now im taking to camping out in my room, not answering the door, and turning off my phone after work... UGH.

I am so ready to move on.

A few major turning points in my life since the change of the new year. Some include gaining/regaining friends, some include losing amazing friends.
So 09 started off great in some regards and not so great in others. I have finally decided to stop being a wuss and move back to America for a little while. Whether its DC, ATL, NY, Cairo, Beirut, or even Istanbul..I have not decided, but I feel like when spring comes around, it will be high time for me to peace out.

How do you deal with office advances that just wont go away?

Its 9:30 AM...why do I smell like chlorine???

2009-01-19T22:30:00.000-08:00

Because I went SWIMMING this morning!

(image courtesy of whynottri who might have got it from elsewhere..but thats not my biz)

If you have gleaned anything from my not mentioning it, I have become a bit of a gym rat. I enjoy working out, or really...I enjoy looking at myself post workout (both the same)...anyway. "The One Who Came Back" (I'm going to have to work on nicknames), convinced me to participate in a triathlon. Not just any triathlon, but one with her. Like we would be doing it together- Enough of a reason to work break my back for 6 months getting enough stamina to not only compete in one of these, but finish in a relatively good enough position to NOT look like a wuss!

OK, so the training regime that I am on is different than the workout routine that I have been on since October/November. This time, it starts of really small (12 min swim/24 min bike), and then increases intensity over the next 4 months.

In my past (3 years ago), my job was teaching people-kids, adults, babies, athletes, Dr's, housewives, househusbands, etc...- on how to swim better...but I HATE swimming. I don't actually mind it, but I do mind initially getting INTO the water. That shock...ugh. It took me 4 mins to just do it. Im like the fat kid in the locker room...take it off already...FAIL.

(Photo from here )

So yes. Here is to a great first day of training for the triathlon. Luckily food here is FREE. So I can eat healthy. Health care is free- So I can see the Dr/Nutritionist/Podiatrist/and Dentist for good measure- over the course of my training routine to ensure that I remain healthy.

AND EVEN MORE AWESOME...we have this thing in the office where we all get Pedometers and are pretending to WALK to some far city....so I am wearing a Pedometer!!! Wooo hooo.

Yeah fitness..wooo hoo!!!!

not really, but you get the point.

On another note:

Today is the day. President ELECT Barack Obama will be sworn in as The President of the United States of America.

If you live under a rock (or in Iraq...same thing), you may not know this...so I am sharing the news. And sharing is Caring.

Good Bye W.

The Best VChat EVER

2009-01-19T03:59:00.000-08:00

OK,
So maybe this year is a year of superlatives. I got the best txt message ever, will be taking an exam that could change my life (in another month, will be posting on this later), have made it to the Golden City of Dubai...and now, THIS.

Last night right before tucking into bed I got a 'hello' from a friend of mine. To say friend is really to make light of what we were...but then that sounds like it is too heavy.

Pretty much, she was a cutie interning where I was temping in DC. We went on a few dates, watched a film or two, did the adult dance a few times, and then I left. . . and it was a weird place for us because we were only beginning to understand how to talk with each other and then the communication changed...I left. (reoccurring theme in my life...left the country, not left the relationship).

Fast forward a couple of years (19 months) and I'm talking to her last night. I to DC foften, and I was thinking it would be nice to see her in the evenings that I was not working. She agreed. But then I asked her to define what we were. Because you know...things change.

That's a hard thing to have someone pose to you, but she handled it with grace and said

"If you are looking for something long term, I am not necessarily sure that is what I want right now, however...if you are looking at having a good time whenever we are in the same city [and I'm single and you're single... I am totally OK with that."..."I guess you could call me your, um...Mistress???"

We wrangled over nomenclature for a while, and laughed it out. We are friends. And at the end of the day, that is important to me.

Personally, when I think about it...I am OK with this. I mean, recognizing and being OK with not being physically and emotionally available in different parts of the world is healthy.

And im not saying it is how things will play out, because situations change all the time.
Your thoughts? Experiences?

Love in the time of Cholera

2009-01-17T23:00:00.000-08:00

I FINALLY got around to watching this movie, despite being told by many people that it was not worth my time.
I would like to say, all those other people have no idea what a good movie is!.

First of, the characters were real...well, I would totally talk about the names and the synopsis that really is not my deal.

Ok, pretty much what I grasp from the film is that a man is dedicated despite the odds.
The guy, Florintino or whatever his name is loves this woman all his life, despite the fact that she doesnt see it...until the end.
The film feels like it is the ultimate game of playing hard to get. Damn women...grrrrrr. Making this poor man go through his life devoted to this woman who just ignored him his whole life.

But then again, the guy in the film is kind of a loser and a hero at the same time for waiting. I too know what it is to wait :/

The amazing thing is that he kept a record of the woman he slept with.....genius.

Now I am watching "The Changeling" with the Angelina Jolie character....interesting film, and I think I see where it is going.

Saw Madagascar 2 the other night. It was interesting all the way until the middle of the film when it started to speak Russian...and then I was like whazzat??? But then it went back to American and I continued drinking my sixpack and all was good.

Woo Hoo.

The Work Place

2009-01-17T01:01:00.000-08:00

I try not to let work dictate how I go about doing my one-two step. But sadly, I do not have too many options when it comes to getting away from the people I work with due to the relative compactness of our living situation. I.E. we are VERY confined to the compound.

So the other day when I found out the my new boss/not-boss was interfering with my carefully laid plans to get additional training back in the States which would also allow me to take a VERY crucial career changing exam, and also attend a wedding of one of my close friends....lets say that I was not very happy.

But cooler heads prevailed and I did not tender my resignation and will be able to go back after all, but Ill be buying the international travel portion of the trip (whats $1500 in airfare?). Bleh, its whatever, but you know...Id much rather have not had to pay for it on my own, but like I said it is career changing.

I get an email from a friend telling me that the same boss is pissed off because I didnt consult her when hiring a new employee. Why the hell did she not come to me, but go around and complain to people in the office about the issue? Who knows, I have the feeling that she is intimidated by me.

O well.
Ill still be looking for that new position, but the pressure isnt all there as yet, I can afford to take it easy a bit and keep this ace in my hole.

So it appears like Ill be back in America in a month. WOOOO HOOO!!!

Today...

2009-01-14T05:18:00.000-08:00

Is turning out to be very very very trying.

Ive just gotten back from my vacation, I am NOT supposed to be in the I WANT TO QUIT mode already.

Wow...

Breathe...stretch....look for another job...

In that order.

The Officeness of it all.

2009-01-13T05:41:00.001-08:00

Now that I am back to my post and to some sense of normalcy, it’s high time that all that’s happened is placed on the table. The trip to America was so enlightening and enjoyable and horrible and exciting and sexy and expensive and cheap and all of that good stuff that if for anything, I need to have a mental picture.

The easiest way would probably do things by city…but that’s lame. I’m just going to let it out.
More than anything, this trip was the determining factor of ‘can I come back?’. It is weird, but I have been thinking about it for the longest time. Like my self imposed exile off the island finally allowed me to come to sense with who I am and what I want to do and maybe it really is ok to NOT be the adventurer and ‘that guy’ all the time. Perhaps it is something that other 20somethings think about often, but meh…who knows. As soon as I got off the plane in DC and rode the bus (yeah, I could have taken a hired car, but the bus allowed me to SEE people) I knew that I would enjoy it. Supposedly there is a recession going on, but did I see one? No, not really.
Work was work, pretty bleh, but there was a cute new girl in the DC office that I got a chance to flirt with quite a bit.

Old flames… this trip would be peppered by old flames. Some of them genuine, some of them nostalgic for what could have been, or what was on the table, and some just downright wanted to make it miserable for anyone else. Thankfully the latter only had a brief phone call and nothing more.

Old flames tend to be dangerous. Because at one point all of the good feelings that we had for them tend to resurface, but then so do the bad. Why didn’t it work out? {Oh…so NOOOOOW you can see me while you have a bf, but before you couldn't ??? }
Old flames also tend to be so much fun…enough said about that.

There were also new flames, and ugh, its so sad that all I wanted to do was flirt with the most beautiful girl in the room…in every room. I did not get any new numbers, but I totally chatted up lots of fun and single girls. DWP would marvel at how much shit I could talk to new girls and have them still smiling with me. I even got a girl to buy my brother and I a drink at a bar, and when she was like…shouldn’t you be doing this?. I convinced her that it was a great idea that she did it because ‘CHANGE’ was upon us.

I feel kind of sad though. A friend of mine is having a hard time dating despite the fact that she is BEAUTIFUL and Intelligent. Maybe guys are timid, but then again, a lot of the guys that she meets seem to have deeper issues (like girlfriends, or unhealthy addictions-heroin/gambling). Shes great, and I think at one time, she was the apple in my eye, but then time and effort and focus shifted and when little things started to become larger things between us…well, it was better to be the friend with her than be THE friend with her.
Distance is hard. The distance is the hardest part of being away. Long distance is fine to point, but when that is all that there is…well, wow. On one hand absence makes the heart grow fonder, but on the other, it strains the heart past the breaking point on so many occasions, a little misunderstanding can become so big if things go unchecked. I am a victim of it just like many people that I know. The awful truth of it all lies in the fact that I need a bit more than just a smiley face to be ok about a situation…I'm 25,I really need to have that booty talk when the need arises.

Wait…America.

Going to DC was great because I was in great company and have amazing friends in that city. Easily one of the ones I can go back to and be content.
Going to Atlanta…was intense. I kind of always dread that city because of the memories of the place, but then I kind of love going because of those same memories. HS wasn’t that much of a yippee, and college wasn’t either. Living in the city was great at times, but then at the same time I was horrible at going out and socializing because I felt that ATL was too dangerous at times. It really is where you go. And now that I know where is where and my friends are knowledgeable about the spots (And the awesomeness of the IPhone and IPod touch and its handy dandy apps) I can choose the cool places in a matter of seconds.

In Atlanta. There was a lot of people that I didn’t get to see. Like the girl who I went out with a 6 years ago on the date where she was kinda stepping out on her BF… and then there were the people that I got to see but didn’t spend enough time with (like my mom- who has become so damn awesome while getting her PhD)…and those who I wish I could have had more time with…(again my mom, but others as well). I had to tell someone that my heart wasn’t in it anymore…I think that is another post, but goes back down to the whole distance thing…and another told me that loved me and has for the past 5 year (that thing about old flings). I don’t think my heart could take the daily ups and downs of that trip, but I survived.

At 25. I love way too hard. I fall way too far. And rebound way too short. I invite people in without walls, and let them out without looking back. Maybe I’m fickle. But then again, I am only human. I want to be loved just for being me, but then I don’t want to be loved for pity’s sake (I doubt this has happened).

There was a put up or shut up moment in the trip when I was in Dubai and a couple pretty much invited me to share the night with them…

Hehe, I love the travel life, and the single life is cool too. But I think it is coming to a close. Honestly. After this last one, I think I’m going to become a hermit from here on out.

New Years Resolution

2009-01-11T15:58:00.000-08:00

I dont do these...well, I dont do them and look at the list often enough to know what the last years resolution was.

Anyway, considering that we are in a downturn, I want my resolution to be:
Put away 6 figures in some sort of saving vehicle.
Yes, having money is the root of all evil, but not having money is the root of all evil.

Things are in a good place for me, and tomorrow when I get back to work after a 3 week vacation, Ill see how good things really are.

Its damn near 4 am and I am not asleep yet...not good, but whatever, maybe ill go and do laundry and then go to the gym before work.

I love this city

2009-01-09T19:59:00.000-08:00

I am not sure if I am loving the city, or if I am loving the amenities of the city. The luxury of this place is incredible.

But also lurking under the surface of society is tension between the citizens and non citizens. But at the end of the day, I like it. Could live here even.

Just a little taste of what it is like.
Like I said, more pictures and such to to come :)

Best Text Message Ever

2009-01-06T15:16:00.000-08:00

So rn't we supposed 2 get married now that i'm 30. Or r u betrothed 2 some1 else?....

That came from my first girlfriend. She is 5 years older than I am, so of course I thought that I would not REALLY have to answer that question or live up to that pact, but now that I am 25, single, and shes 30, single, and has 2 beautiful little boys whom I am sure I can adore....BUT, at the same time...meh...

This has had to be one of the most dynamic trips to America in a long long time. SO much has changed. I still dont have much time to recap it, but Ill do it when I get to Dubai tomorrow night :) Yay for 12 hour flights. Or actually, I think ill write about it on the flight.

Plus pictures.

Happy New Year

2009-01-02T18:21:00.001-08:00

I will return, but America is keeping me a bit busy...all that cake and such.

The Case of the Airports...

2008-12-24T16:55:00.000-08:00

And why do I feel like I am in Home Alone? Why why why do I feel like instead of going to awesome blossom Miami Ill be routed to Oregon? Meh, o well.

Im sitting in a lounge in Dulles Airport with a very very fast wifi connection. Watching the Office and eating snacks provided by the USO. Does it get any better than this?

Well, maybe it does...but seriously, this is almost as good as a business class lounge...or as the show we went to last night....

Which is a live version of this song

Sadly, after listening to about 2 hours of so so poetry, I was fatigued and had to call it an evening...o the potential. :D

Well, off to Miami in a little bit. Lets see what kind of trouble I can get into tonight.
Actually...no, lets not;)

OOOO wait.
Ok, so im in the Caribou coffee yesterday morning and this fine brown girl is in front of me. So we strike up conversation and low and behold...there was a man in there. Turns out this girl/guy was a tranny who had been getting more and more woman like since 14. he/she was 21. We chatted about this and that but the highlight was that Eddie Murphy regularly 'dates' the 'girls' wooo hoo. good stuff.

:D

Ok, good night.

Bus boys

2008-12-23T17:13:00.001-08:00

Bus boys

If you ever come to DC. Come to busboys and poets on u street. But get
here early as fuck, because they will not let your ass in the door.

Mobile.

Welcome back

2008-12-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

Welcome back

I can't believe I paid $25 for a haircut...and I'm not even covered on
gold. And women are nov flocking too me...yet.

We shall see America, we shall see.

Sent from my iPod

Self-service Bailout

2008-12-20T23:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,
Since they say everyone in America is in a recession, and big banks, auto-industries, and others are getting bailed out and all of that....I figured you too deserve a bailout.

Granted, this is more like a little bit off the tip of the iceberg that went into raising me, but more than ever, here is to you for the now.

I just Bailed-Out your car. Yep. You Own that bitch. And granted, its losing value everyday and such and is the worst...it made no sense to be paying 13.5% on ANYTHING, and since the loan is in my name ANYWAY...here you go homie.

Ok.
So my xmas shopping list never existed, but I participated too. Booyah. now...what to get my Jew friend...hmmmm

Blooooog Carnivaaaal :)

2008-12-20T08:47:00.000-08:00

From the good folks over at 20sb
And I dont really do lists.....except when i do lists...

- A wish list of 5 items, one for each sense (that's an item for sight, one for smell, etc.)

Um. Good carnival.

Sight- 20/20 vision. I hate having to only HALF see shit at times. Ugh....

Smell- Im not sure, maybe something subtle...like passion fruit juice?

Touch- heheh... I mean, I would like something soft, and silky...and wet.. hmmm....maybe a glove with lotion in it?

Hearing- I wonder if there is a soundtrack to life. every now and again M.I.A., Cassidy when I need some wit...or Styles P when im chillin.

Taste- hehe...

Vacation

2008-12-19T22:56:00.001-08:00

I take a vacation every two months. And this month. IM DOING IT AGAIN!!!

Yay DC :)

Because I cant keep my shirt on....and other things

2008-12-17T01:46:00.000-08:00

I feel like I am totally Ready for Miami next week!!!!!! O, and DC too...but its cold there, so it doesnt count.

There is a friend of mine who thinks and swears that I cant keep my shirt on...

That in itself is partially true, but at the same time...why should I?

These last few months (last month) I have been hitting the gym hard as hell. Its all about the results isnt it?

I think...I am on the cusp of being just right. Not too much, and not too little. Now its all about maintaining my gains from now on right? RIGHT :)

Weirdness at the office...and pretty much always:
I am straight. Str8. _____________ (like that line) I try to seduce women with reckless abandon (sometimes). Love hard. Play hard. etc....
So, Why Why WHY in the world does it seem like gay men like to try me. Yes, i cant help but be somewhat flattered...but at the same time NO. NO. NO. I do not want your penis. Personally, I was not a big fan of nuts after an ex told me this joke:

- What are nuts on your wall? - Wall Nuts
What are nuts on your chest?- Chest Nuts
What are nuts on your chin? - My dick in your mouth. >_< style="font-style: italic;">not sure. Like, are you hitting on me, or are you just being nice?
The scenario"
I see this guy a few months ago and we chat or something, then no more contact until a few weeks ago. Saw him at the gym in the locker room- awkward, but as you can see in the pic above, I dont mind being shirtless. Anyway, we chat a bit and im off to my work out. Fast forward a week, I see him on the bus and he invites me for a beer...at my place???wtf.
Ok, no problem, no alarm bells going off.
He comes up, we chat, drink a few yada yada...makes a comment about my attractiveness but I dont take real note of it till later.

Few days later its a nice day so he suggests a walk by the lake to get a glimpse of one of the other palaces.

Its a pretty dangerous road, but that is besides the point . We are walking and chatting and its normal and natural and hes talking about his experiences and im talking about mine and we are sharing (hehe, which I realize is the getting to know you part of things) and we get back, have lunch and part ways.

NOW, I start realizing that things are weird. Because at lunch I was telling a story about a time when I was camel -backing across the sahara dessert and how hot it was , and he used the opportunity to inject at how 'hot' I was ...... and um yea....very awkward.

Now, I feel like I have been avoiding him, and the other night, he sent a message asking if I wanted to catch some felini films (I watch foreign films) at my place (why my place wtf- so that I cant be like...uhhhh I got to go). This is getting weird.

Solution, Avoid avoid avoid. I mean, yes, he could be a cool guy that I get along with and blah blah blah. But at the same time....It make s me go hmmmmm. Because if I were to be "macking on a breezy" Id probably be doing the same damn thing. Movies, lunch, a dinner, drinks, developing a rapport about something obscure that we have in common (foreign films...Kurasawa).
Damn .
Its safe to say that when I got a text to go on a historical tour of the Palace (office building) I am grateful that Ive got other obligations (lunch) to attend.

It is kinda sad that I cant have a friendship and not think...why?
O yea I know why, because this guy is also like 40++ not married, and tends to hover around post-conflict countries.

Why O Why cant a beautiful cougar-tastic woman come up to me asking if I want to come over for dinner, watch movies, play wrestling, and 'chill'. Is that too much to ask for?

And im not saying I am a cougar hunter...not in the least. But I am saying that I am ok with the picking up dates at the old folks home...bow chica wow wow :D

Ok. No, I am not homophobic. Just respect my safe space :)

The Pink Slip

2008-12-15T03:42:00.000-08:00

I had to fire someone today.
Its weird because I didnt get any of the warm fuzzies in my stomach. But I also dont feel bad about it...unless the warm fuzzies and feeling bad are the same thing. It had to be done. Simple.

And...I also had to check check check my fb.
I mean, I think it has grown to be too many people that I dont really interact with that pretty much know when Im pooing....so...Shrink.

Interestingly enough, I found a stalker!!!! She had friended many of my friends (whom I am always conversing w/ joking with etc) and can guestimate most of my musings. AHK>....I have to reign in that a bit. But yea, she knows many of my people (more than 3) from the many countries I travel too yet she herself has not left her home country...sooooo she is going into my friends list and hitting add.

Not cool. Get your own cool friends.

Have you ever had a stalker IRL or on FB or Myspace or wherever? Whats the best way to get rid of them?

Communication Breakdown

2008-12-13T01:32:00.000-08:00

I just want to start off saying that last night I partied with the guys (and girls) in the picture. . . but without the guns.

Its been a trying week to say the least. The new boss is intensely trying to suck the joy out of my existence, but I shall continue to work through the grime and demands of the office space.

A few good things have happened in the last few days, one being that I have been approved for my super amazing around the world trip that will be payed for by the company!!! Yep. You really cant beat that. 3 different countries and 3 different states...can you say YIPPEEEE!!!

The only thing remaining before purchasing the tickets is seeing how much a business class upgrade will be. If I get the upgrade, I am TOTALLY bringing macbook w me....since they have the whole airplane connector thingie which I use whenever I fly business or first.

But at the same time that all of this good stuff is happening, I will have to peace out this blog in 09. I suppose its just because its a good time to peace out this blog for something a bit more....more? Maybe a vlog?
Besides, I feel like I have not been candid.
And based on a conversation I had this morning, its being held against me. So....this is a pre-warning??? Ill be moving soon.
DC, here I come!!!!

Slumdog Millionaire - I endorse it.

2008-12-10T00:45:00.000-08:00

I had the opportunity to see the new film Slumdog Millionaire recently at one of the screenings here in the Bizzle.

I dont have much to say about this movie but WOW. Its on POINT.
I suggest you go and peep the film.

Its a great feel good film with different aspects of life in the Indian slums.
I dont have any authority on the issue...but hey, its real.

It invokes a less grimy City of God coming of age story about a kid from the slums who makes it to the final question of the "who wants to be a millionaire" show in India, and all this speculation regarding how he knows all of this, is he cheating? is he a genius? is it fake?

Without giving away too much info, this is a great film. Period. Go see it. And then thank me later.

My boyfriend told me he thought I was made for you

2008-12-08T22:53:00.000-08:00

A few key things happened over the weekend which call for jumping and for joy, in that order maybe...

The letter inviting me to an interview FINALLY arrived. I mean, yes. Can you say pins and needles. Wooo hoo. This is the third out of four steps to get into this position, so having passed the first two, Im stoked. This is the hardest step, and the fourth is a breeze. But yes, wish me luck.

A letter arrived from her last night as well. She told me things that made me want to go back to where we were, but then I remembered how hard she pushed me away when we were there before. Its nice to be in a familiar place, but that place was wrought with turmoil...we love each other. But at the same time. How do we make it hurt less? Is that even intuitive?

A different letter arrived via (fb). It was from the only girl I asked to marry me. Yes, it was one of those things I blurt out from time to time. Such as 'can you grab me a coffee? Does it include taxes? Will you marry me...wtf??? ANYWAY
So she sends me a message indicating that she would like to know when I plan on traveling to that side of the world, and that...she "misses me". I have been told to be weary of these.
And I read into it..."Now that the holidays are upon us, and my sister and her bf are mushy gushy and having a good time. I feel lonely and you really were one of the only guys who didnt treat me like an asshole, and somehow I miss that...soooo would you like to fall into our old ways for the holiday season, and then well see what happens come valentines day...where even though we are both happy, I will always have my eye out for the next shiny new pursuit"... yeah, um- I think not. But, you can join me for tea or something.

A fourth letter arrived this morning from my friend who is 'dating' a married man, you know, the guy with 3 kids and a wife...
She said, and I quote "My boyfriend told me he thought I was made for you."
W T F??!!!?? REALLY?
How could she still call him her BF? I think when some foolishness like this is said, shouldn't it be the end of the relationship? I mean COME ON MAN. But then again, I need to nip this in the bud, there will be no US. There is YOU. And there is ME. Not a "you and me". Sorry. But I can not see myself with you in that way.

Yes, its great to receive mail. But can I please win the lottery?

A Ball you say!!!!

2008-12-08T22:18:00.000-08:00

I'd been meaning to write all weekend long (Thurs-Sat is the weekend, plus we got Monday off too:D)- but I was occupied doing other things (sleeping, watching movies, sleeping, eating, and...uh...sleeping).

So here to kick off what has come to be (almost) my best week ever- the recap.

The Masquerade Ball (pictures to follow, whenever I get home today):
I didn't have a mask. But as soon as I got there, around 20 people didn't have masks on. Kind of disappointed that more people weren't DOING it, ya know...but as if by magic, the bf of a friend comes and gives me his. His head is kind of big so the mask has a crack in the latex, but hey, beggars cant be choosers, and besides, the mask added character to my costume.

Night goes on...its a dry party, but ANOTHER friend of mine who wore a kilt (wtf???) gave me some Jamison's whiskey (wtf!?!) from his flask (REALLY? Under your kilt dude?). Anyhow, it turned out that I was feeling good, and everyone else (mostly) was just kind of like..."meh, so you have a mask on...I STILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE!"
Highlight of the night had to be the girl with the kitty mask on that giggled when I told her that she was 'the prettiest pussy that ive seen in a while'.
Honestly didnt mean anything malicious about it, but she went with it and smiled. Thats a hell of an icebreaker, and I suggest using it ONLY at the appropriate time (read:never)

It was all going really well until one of the girls I was dancing with suddenly started bleeding on the dance floor 0_o! Turns out that when she removed her shoes:

(* Sidebar-
Dear Women- We (men, boys, women who love women) love when you wear your heals and pumps and all that good stuff when you go out. It looks...attractive, and yes, I hold it in high regard that you do so with me in mind. But come on, its all about endurance isnt it? What would YOU think if I took off MY shoes while we were out? I mean, really? At the least...if you ARE going to take off your shoes, make sure they are kept. If your feet are unsheathed looking like hobbit feet or worse, what does that say about your other covered areas? Im not saying...but Im just saying...*)

: a piece of glass sliced open her foot. It wasnt deep, but still enough to instantly bring me into concerned mode and while I helped her hobble to the marble filled bathroom (this bathroom is AMAZING, marble and pearl EVERYWHERE---I took pics), I saw the state of her feet. And turned off. Honestly. Really? Frodo...is that you?

Ok, the night was ok. Lots of fun. Hanging out with people w/o uniforms and guns was cool too. Turns out, that during best outfit part of the evening, the guy who won was the guy who DID NOT wear a shirt OR a mask. Just a jacket, jeans, shades, and tims...and lots of hunky man chest for the world to see. Yea, hes kinda my hero...tear...

Because its a Saturday night

2008-12-06T06:29:00.000-08:00

Im listening to Pandora radio and jamming to a Clipse playlist....its nice.

Tonight is going to be a Masquerade Ball. Super fun right??? Wrong. I dont have a damn mask, and the date....well, she backed out.
Something about not getting her dresses in time...(shes in the military and wears some form of uniform day in day out...so this is a plausible excuse).

Its 3 hours until I go out there, and I am about to go to the gym and hype myself up that this evening will be fun. Because Ill be flirting with OTHER peoples dates instead of my own.

And since I dont have a mask, Im going to go like Zorro and cut up a T shirt or something...or a tie.

I might just miss this place

2008-12-05T23:51:00.001-08:00

Seriously, this will have been one of the coolest office buildings that I have ever worked in. I mean, how many people can say that they have worked in a PALACE!!!!

I can :D

Ok. Happy Saturday yall.

And for good measure, I threw in a picture of a statue !!!

Dilema

2008-12-02T10:59:00.000-08:00

Today has been stressful.

Why?
I have a new boss.
Not a big deal you say.

Yes, it is.
Because shes a walking fail.
simple.

But that isnt the dilemma.

The issue is this, im perplexed. A coworker friend of mine told me to head over to victorias secret to capitalize on the awesome sales that they have for the season. Not for me, as you were thinking, but for women friends.

Now, im in now way, shape, or form conservative. But...uh....can you say blush-face. I mean, I dont know, the idea seems like a win win, but then thats also the reason it can be a set up for failure.

I go, get 5 cute undies for her.
five things that can go wrong

I get the size wrong and shell think I think shes a fatty fatty 2x4
I get uncomfortable scratchy underwear, and everytime she puts it on, shell be cursing me from her love-locations, and then Ill be barred from even a casual outing.
she could take it the wrong way and think that I want to see her in said underwear...nope, im buying them to see what they look like on the floor...
She sees that I got them on sale, and now Im a cheap ass. (but seriously....)
She puts it under her tree and opens the gift in front of her family... AWK..

But I am sure all the positives outweigh the negatives. Right?

What are your thoughts on the idea? Are there better gifts to be giving?

I want to punch my computer in the face...

2008-12-02T01:04:00.000-08:00

Today,
Is not going so well.

-woke up late
-missed the first shuttle
-foggy, cold, misty out
-my sweater isnt wearing right (you know, thought it would look one way...but isnt)
-my computer is acting V E R Y slow. I swear. Im not even on the internets and it is acting like I am using dial-up....or even AOL dialup {sadface}

And to top all of it off, the workbook which has been tracking the money I manage has decided to revert to a 3 weeks ago state...so I am at a loss, playing from behind, have no updates, the computers speed is frustrating me more so I actually get less done.

I want to rant properly, but cant...I am actually just waiting for this damn file to START responding.
O glooom :\

Sometimes I dont miss it all

2008-12-01T08:59:00.000-08:00

I wake up this morning to an im from a friend saying that her bf (married guy with three kids) texted her with one of those "we need to talk" messages.
She said shes worried about what he was going to say...
I didnt respond, it was 6 am my time.

I check my email and there is a youtube link to the Gnarles Barkley song "Going On" . At the end of the song it says- Dont Follow Me.

So. Knowing that this girl has attempted suicide in the past, I get alarmed and contact her.
Ill post the convo when I get home, but what she says is:

her BF wanted to talk about me
he was very serious about her
he wants her to have his baby

4:05 PM Sunday, November 30, 2008

“Confused with Love”
i got a text message from “the Married Man”
it said call you soon. we need to talk
do you think it's something bad?
i'm so stressed

“Mr. Inconsistent”
good morning

“Confused with Love”
hahahaa
it's almost midnight here

“Mr. Inconsistent”
o

“Confused with Love”
but good morning to you!

“Mr. Inconsistent”
its 7 here
how r u ?

“Confused with Love”
ahhh...frustrated

“Mr. Inconsistent”
y?

“Confused with Love”
my stupid ass dipshit boyfriend

“Mr. Inconsistent”
what was it this time?

“Confused with Love”
lol
he wanted to talk about you

“Mr. Inconsistent”
oh these men

“Confused with Love”
heh
and he wants a baby with me

“Mr. Inconsistent”
so did you guys talk?

“Confused with Love”
briefly

“Mr. Inconsistent”
..
wait...this is ‘that married man’???
''

“Confused with Love”
a son to be exact
yes,(name) the married one

“Mr. Inconsistent”
a married father of 3

“Confused with Love”
yes

“Mr. Inconsistent”
o ok. just thought id get my facts straight lol.
but m curious. What did he say?

“Confused with Love”
i asked him what he wanted from me
like where are we going type of thing
and he said a son
and i was dumbfounded
i can tell your speechless too

“Mr. Inconsistent”
lol
speechless is putting it nicely

“Confused with Love”
lol
it's not going to happen
i'd have to be an idiot

“Mr. Inconsistent”
yep…
but lol. What did he say about me?

“Confused with Love”
he wanted to ask me questions about you and me
but then he backed out
cause he knows i slept with you in the past
and i apparently he thinks about it a lot
and actually gets images in his head of us having sex
who knows

“Mr. Inconsistent”
maybe he likes the idea?..

“Confused with Love”
lol
i doubt that
but who knows maybe
so how are you?

“Mr. Inconsistent”
im ok
getting ready for wrk.

“Mr. Inconsistent”
11:27
please dont discuss my career w ur bf
or locations
or trav plans
lol

“Confused with Love”
11:27
oo i don't

“Mr. Inconsistent”
11:28
he may b angry and jealous.
lol. and in america, HE is the 1 with a gun lol.

“Confused with Love”
11:28
lol
okay
don;t worry
i don't talk about you
i try to make an effort to divert the convo when he brings you up
always

“Mr. Inconsistent”11:29
ok ttys

Now wait...I had to clarify with her, this is the one who is married with 3 children and a wife he will not leave...and he WANTS to have a baby with YOU? This guy is so fucked up he makes her get an HIV test before fucking her, sooooo that tells me he probably doesnt use protection either.

And while im not the one to judge..REALLY? Like REALLY?
I got to be a good friend, but I also have to be a realist...REALLY?

No, dont ask about me, dont talk about me. NOTHING. I dont matter. Get help. Get out of there. WTH!!!

So, what is the best way to convince her that this guy is VERY not healthy for her (other than me sacrificing myself to take his place)

The Blogs are

2008-11-30T02:01:00.001-08:00

Eating all my time these days lol.
And its so great. Its like a great book that has all of these chapters and different actors, and its all creative non-fiction, which in itself is pretty damn amazing.

I would do the whole blog-roll link thing, but...not yet.

Im reading, and enjoying, and commenting, and laughing, and wondering...

But yea. So the hail storm yesterday knocked out power from the office so we have today off. And what am I going to be doing?
Applying to grad school, making travel plans, and reading blogs.
Simple.

O yeah, listening to Adele too.

Photoshop is the shit!!!!

The wrap up

2008-11-28T13:42:00.001-08:00

Im just going to give up. This whole playboy thing doesnt suit me at all.

Tonight- couldnt do it. Didnt do it. she came over, we sat, watched a film, killed a bottle of wine, and chatted. It was honest to goodness great to have someone over and just able to shoot the shit with them. We talked about EVERYTHING. But alas, I rather engage her in conversation than in booty talk.
Dont get me wrong, I am patting myself on my back because I didnt try to do something aimed at getting her in a position where shed have some explaining to do when she got home. We saw a very nice film, one of my favorites- The T iger and The Snow. Finished a bottle of Reisling together, ate a bag of pomegranete Jelly Bellies...talked some more about how young I was and how old she was (me 25, her 36). And enjoyed each others company.

Thinking about it, maybe it was because I dont think I necessarily miss the physical aspect of being with a woman, but the emotional aspect that comes with it. The small things. Watching a smile born in her eyes. Feeling her hair as my fingers brush past a few strands as im making my way to her back. Touching her hand softly while making my point. Whatever it is. I miss it.

But tonight it really was just borrowing that feeling. Because she will be going home in a week to her husband. And she will be able to go home and not be guilty about things she did out here. And well, I think ive picked up another friend.
Great. There really is no more room for all these damn friend ladders that Ive accumalated.

Shame on you Baghdad, you have stolen my mojo.

Im not sure what it is

2008-11-28T05:36:00.001-08:00

Im not sure why, but today has been ultra lax. I mean, I woke up at 9am with the intention of actually doing SOMETHING, but here I am at 4:30 still in my room. Ive done the laundry, so really it was not really such a real problem about wasting time, but I feel.....lazy, or...down?

I am not sure.

I wonder if it has anything to do with the supplements that Im taking (creatine). Who knows, but its going on 5pm, im going to go work out. Head to dinner, then head to another dinner, and have someone over for wine and a movie, well see how that goes since she pretty much already told me that I could get it....but honestly, im pretty not interested in putting up too much of an effort.
Just want to watch lakeview terrace and then have some wine, and call it an evening.

Picture day

2008-11-27T23:37:00.000-08:00

Just because I feel like remembering places.

Tensing Penh, Negril Jamaica. Its one of those places that doesnt need advertising and aims at not only exclusivity, but privacy...maybe its the same, but I disagree. You rarely see any of the other guests because everyone is content doing their own thing.

A condo in Boston. Where my Aunt designed. I think, i would want her to do my place...whenever i get it.

Working in the Palace, there is ALWAYS a meeting in progress somewhere.
I wonder, what does your office look like?

The Day After...

2008-11-27T22:34:00.000-08:00

Or....waking up alone.

Thanksgiving is such a great lazy day. Family and/or friends. Turkey, ham if you swing that way, cranberry sauce, cranberries if you are all fancy, and the feeling of being together.

This year will mark my second Thanksgiving away from my family and close friends. Its really fine because we have an awesome group here with whom Ive become pretty solid but still...

Last night after the game, everyone stayed and started playing a huge game of poker. Which was cool. Except that I dont really play poker anymore. So after looking over a few hands I came back to my room around 7pm and proceeded to do nothing for the rest of the evening.

Pretty freaking sad.

But this morning, it dawned on me.
Im single. Technically I have been single for very good long while now. I want to say a few years now. Maybe even venture to say 3-4?
There have been times when I was literally on the cusp of ending the streak, but those negotiations faltered...
Waking up this morning with just me, my blanket, my five pillows, my morning wood, and my handy dandy book sitting on the nightstand (I should seriously keep that thing in the bathroom since thats the only place it gets read...), made me feel it so much more.
So yea, waking up alone is not where its at. But I suppose thats a sacrifice that goes along with living in such an isolated community in such a remote place around the world.

But then again, I like remote places around the world.

Update

2008-11-26T04:55:00.000-08:00

Today has been extremely busy at work today, so what do I do?- Come on here to waste time.

My America trip is coming together quite nicely...well not really. I have yet to make tickets, finalize any kind of plans, choose ultimate destinations, or whatever...but I have a concept, and know that I want to touch down in DC and ATL, but beyond that, who knows.

Well, I do know one thing, the blast from the past that contacted me out of the blue is still on her old antics. I dont think I mentioned it, but even when we went out back then, she was doing so while stepping out on her sig other. I dont know, is it the excitement? They broke up for a period because she went out on a date with me. I called her the other night and guess what, she is about to do it to him TWICE!!!!

hehe, well, Karma is a bitch, but damn. I cant NOT go out with her :)
That would be rude.

Shot

2008-11-25T07:28:00.000-08:00

Last year summer time before coming to the war zone a friend of mine was taking me to a family Bar B Que in S.W. D.C. Even though I lived in DC for a couple of months up to that point, I had never been to that side of town. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but if the train wasnt going there-neither was I.

On the way to the park there was a man in the street face down with blood running from his head. There was another man who was kneeling over him shouting for people to help him. Everyone seemed to be turning their heads. As the car continued to drive and my neck continued to look and as my fingers began to dial 911 and my shock turned into concern to let the proper authorities know what was happening, my friends told me not to worry, "Someone has already called".
How do you know?
Why wont they stop and let me see if I can help this person? Bad neighborhood or not, his fault or not, does he not deserve the same attention as if he were walking down M street?

Its sad. And no one got shot today that I know of. But there was a few explosions and bombs a few days ago. Not cool man, not cool.

Family

2008-11-24T12:28:00.000-08:00

.....I think I said goodbye to my sister today.

She hung up the phone on me when I told her she had to get her life right.
I think that when she hung up on me, I ended our lifelong conversation.

So Im taking my own bad advice. And walking away.

Blast from the past

2008-11-24T07:49:00.000-08:00

Facebook continues to link me up with these old heads.

A little while ago I get friended by the little sister of a girl I used to 'date' (really we held hands once) in the 7th or 8th grade.

The little sister asked if I was still interested in getting her older sisters contact information. I had inquired of the whereabouts of several of my old chums on the schools fb group.

I thought about it for a second....then made a mad dash to the pic folder with her sisters name on it and greedily looked through it....only to see that it was the wedding folder. And shes married.

But, also more than that...shes cheeks!!! Not fat, just chubby cheeks!!!! Awww.....

and the guy, well he looks like a tool, but I do recognize that i am hating. And it was a cute Indian wedding.

SO EVERYONE is getting married now. What am I waiting for? Oh, yea....a wife type figure. and the search continues. Actually. The search doesnt continue. Im done doing years of convincing to get it through to these women that im a good if not GREAT catch. No, im going to leave it all and start REALLY living.

Im 25, well traveled, open to trying different things, have enough saved to NOT work for a year or two and still live the high life, and I have a degree. What whaaat. Its ON!

Bad Advice

2008-11-24T01:03:00.000-08:00

Like a fake Dr providing fake solutions to real problems, bad advice gives us the same feeling of doing something good for somebody while really it may actually hinder them.

A few of my female friends are in that part of the year where it is important to have someone around/or just want their significant other/potential other to do right. Just be good. Simple. But that is not the case.
More often than not the case becomes questions of fidelity, attention, attraction, bitchassness etc...

So, there is a friend of mine who started to 'date' a guy who was really cool and everything and things seemed like it was going all well. Then he was due to travel over the break and mentioned that he would see his x. My friend wanted to know where she stood, and how to ask that question.
- I told her to be upfront, ask the question, and if it wasnt the answer that she was looking for, to walk away.

Another friend of mine finds herself 'hanging out' with a guy who turns out to have a real gf back at home. But it never came up in conversation (wtf) and now she feels bad to have done those things with him, but still they hang out...
-I told her its a fucked up situation, and I dont judge, but walk away.

ANOTHER friend of mine finds herself in one of the most interesting men dilemmas ever. She is 'dating' (she calls him bf) a guy who is married with 3 kids. He will not get a divorce from the wife who he is supposedly separated from. And to top that off, he is a cop in a college town....great success buddy. She is also living with her dad (not an issue) but is under Brittany Spears situations- the dad controls all expenses, finances, social life, etc... Shes in love with a guy who will/can never love her (another guy).
- I told her to evaluate her life. Get out of the fucked up situation, stop loving other people and love herself...and walk away.

One of my closest friends ever is also seeing a married man. And the worst part is that the wife is apart of her group of friends. What does that mean? The wife doesnt know but thinks everything is cool, this one has the most damaging consequences because its the closest to home.
-I told her to wake up and walk away.

~~~
OK, so you see. My medication to the friends that come to me for my perspective is pretty consistent (great pr) but the message. Walk AWAY. Kind of harsh no? But then its always situational isnt it?

My bf left the toilet seat up - Walk away.
My gf wont cook ...EVER- leave her, walk away.
My wife is terminally ill- walk away... no no, this one no. But still....you know...

Thinking about it, maybe thats not the best way. To just throw hands up in the air and say f it all. Maybe in these situations yes, but hmm...am I setting my friends up for hurt and heartache.

Lord knows that if people heard about my situation from women, id be getting the same recommendation - Girrrrrrl, leave his ass. RIGHT NOW :D

(photo courtesy of Flikr)

New Goals

2008-11-22T02:57:00.000-08:00

Setting goals for life is an important part of making things happen. Something about visualizing...?

Being the dreamer that I am, my next life goal is to be able to afford this little gem:

Emirates Palace "lavish" Million Dollar Package

The stunning grandeur of one of the most expensive hotels ever built demands ultra-luxury offerings for its guests, including unrivalled facilities and incredible tailor made designer packages. The Emirates Palace, Abu Dhabi, exceeds all expectations with its latest…a fantastic once in a lifetime all-out package with a hefty value of 1,000,000 US Dollars !

This package incarnates pure opulence and includes the following for 2 guests:

First class return trip from any international destination serviced by Etihad Airlines to Abu Dhabi
Seven night stay in a 680 sqm Palace Suite at Emirates Palace on an all-inclusive basis.
Chauffeur driven Maybach at your disposal daily during your stay in Abu Dhabi
Daily spa treatment in the Anantara Spa
Day trip in private jet to Iran to create your own Persian carpet from the most exclusive and well-renowned hand-maker
Day trip in private jet to the Dead Sea Jordan to experience the famous sea and an afternoon Anantara spa treatment in the Kempinski Hotel Ishtar
Day trip to Bahrain in private jet for a pearl deep sea experience. Your pearl will then be hand designed with jewelery settings
Royal Golf experience at Abu Dhabi Golf Club
Make your own perfume with experts from YAS Perfume
Deep sea fishing trip
Gifts including champagne sunset and desert island tour.
Gifts including the rarest pearls in the world from Robert Wang and a selection from Holland & Holland Sporting Guns

~~~~~~~~

Ok, so now that I know how to blow a mil in a week. Ill just start working, investing, opening shell companies, defrauding, creating, selling...whatever in order to be able to leisurely afford to drop a milli in a week.

And the kicker is that I believe that it will be nothing to the person who wants this ultimate customized vacation. It does sound pretty lavish, even by my standards. And from our friends at flickr, here are pictures of the hotel.

To an extent I have no idea at this level of luxury, but then again to an extent I do.
Traveling the Middle Easy (East) clues me in to how the other half lives, but DAMN. A MILLION FOR A WEEK. OO WEEEE.

For that to even be worth it, Id have to be a super lazy billionaire.

Guitar Hero Groupie

2008-11-21T00:09:00.000-08:00

Parties rule our weekends here. Alcohol, older people, no spouses (or few spouses), and lots of hormones make this place seem like a college campus all over again.

Case in point, last nights party. After an intense workout I get calls and text spam about joining a friend at a party. No problem, I get into the car, drive past our security, drive around the bunkers...wait for a convoy....drive past their security, and wham I'm at the party. . .

I see people I know, but no one I really want to spend the night chatting too, and since Ive been here before, I know where to go- the Guitar Hero room!. Gimme some water for hydration and the sticks and im good. Party going on in the background, no problem.

So as my random band is playing a particularly hard song (Toxicity on Medium), then the groupies come. A smattering of older (think older than cougar) women come around. They are drunk, old, and frisky. One in particular starts to grind on the singer, then moves away from him and starts whispering in my ear about HOW im playing. WTF im @ like 92% percent, and here you go talking in my ear!
She then starts to gyrate to my right to the music. I swear its as if she was at a concert. An old, old, old, concert.
To each their own.

They roll in packs, the molest young men, they take names and kick ass...Ill see if i have a picture in my files to demonstrate the Groupie Grandmas.

Facebook makes me smile at times

2008-11-17T22:53:00.000-08:00

Like this morning.

Waking up and seeing not one, but TWO friend requests. WOOO HOO, since pretty much everyone is already a friend...who could it be?

It was HER. O M G. This girl...ooooo weeeeeee.
In the past. there have been some friending surprises, like my one X who was completely invisible regardless how many times I changed the spelling of her name or saw her tagged in mutual friends pictures...all of a sudden, she friends me...but her last name is different, and Oh My, is that ... a husband? Yea, that was cool.not really...but you catch my drift.

So back to this morning. Yes, THIS GIRL. MMMM.....it had/has been at least 4 years since hearing from her last, if not more....maybe 4-6. A LONG time even by my standards. Again, she is one of those that I have looked for with varying modifications of her name, but nope. No luck.
This morning, there she is for friending. And here it is...shes not even fat!!! I mean, she wasn't fat back in the day, she was actually VERY slim, and extremely sexy. But when I was a freshman, she was a senior or junior, dating some loser skater boy (maybe he wasn't a loser, but thats what she used to justify getting with me at the time), and still slim. So yea,not fat. Why is this surprising? Because so many of those kind of people who disappear for a few years and then come back around generally come back with a few "ive been sitting down watching TLC and Lifetime" pounds.
I wonder where she is, because I must say, whenever we went out, it was pretty...passionate, intense, fun, and oh so sexy.

Ill invite her out with us when I get back to the states.

Speaking of which, I kind of have to wonder, how many other women from my past are blocking me out of their collectives? Actually, maybe i dont want to know. Lord knows I have an interesting history when it comes to all the affairs of the heart.

What can I do?

2008-11-15T09:31:00.000-08:00

How much more can you give of yourself when all of you is never enough?

Fuck ass djs

2008-11-14T14:30:00.001-08:00

Fuck ass djs

Really dj guy.... Really?....
Honestly. Going to a party where people are on control of the music
and not a designated dj...that sucks. I mean honestly nobody wants to
gear that random ass obscure shit that you love to listen to alone.

And to the woman who told me that if she was not married that I could
get it.... I don't need to hear that shit.

And to the other woman who told me that her bf would get mad if he saw
us dancing like this. Fuck you and fuck him. You are in control of
your own destiny.

Pretty much. I need a new scene.

Sent from my iPod

Is it wrong of me

2008-11-10T03:51:00.000-08:00

To ask the guy talking to me to use better dental hygiene...more frequently?

Complacency

2008-11-08T01:53:00.000-08:00

Its final. I got my contract to extend for another year, and this document goes through Nov 09. Thats another 12 months!!! I honestly dont think I can do this. I told them, thank you but no thank you. I am not getting any younger, and this environment is so not healthy for my my head.

Coming back from this most recent trip has me missing a few things that I cant have here...life.

Its odd how prison makes its way into my life...

Every time I get my parole to a new country, I find myself missing the simplicities that I take for granted while there. In Cairo, I miss the peopled-ness of the city. There are so many people in that city, but it works. Its lawless lawfulness. Its a country where corruption and life mesh like its nothing. I used to want to move back there, but something seems to be happening. Under the surface things are bubbling, and I feel that soon enough it may become as bad as India is. (India recently became religiously intolerable in certain enclaves.)

Going to Beirut and seeing the pockmarks on the walls from the numerous fights that have broke out over there make me wonder if I could live there. I mean, certainly the country is beautiful enough and the people there are so friendly that I could also be very happy, but there is also this undercurrent of political tension which tends to erupt with disastrous results. Bombings happen often, and civilians are often killed. I dont want to be killed for just being....

Istanbul was tranquil and it was raining. I was in love with the country regardless of the rain. I loved how it rained. In Baghdad there is none of this rain that we talk about in the regular world. Mostly dust. It rained twice in the last 9 months. TWICE.....like...can you imagine that? It was such a beautiful day yet our windows dont open up:\

So, yes. What to do and where to go? Grad School? Abu Dhabi? Back to America? I am missing my friends dearly and being included in these email messages only go to show how much I miss by being away from the country. Ive made my money. Now, maybe its time that I get back and make my life...

Isnt it Ironic

2008-11-08T00:54:00.000-08:00

I wonder how short our financial memory. I remember a few years ago how staunchly opposed America was to having an Arab company own a few ports in America, and how there was all this fear mongering and such. The financial sector didnt say anything but let the fear breathe.

Fast forward to today.
The financial world is in a turmoil and the same countries staunchly opposed to the sovereign wealth funds investing in the western economies are currently begging for these same countries to invest in the global market. REALLY!!!!?

Hehe, its really ironic and if the world wasnt so damn interconnected, I would suggest a massive bird.

Back to the real world

2008-11-05T14:19:00.000-08:00

Back to the real world

So. My lavish trip is over. Conclusion... It would have been better if
I went with someone.

On another note. I am in Jordan and just saw a "biggly wiggly" so
awesome.

Sent from my iPod

The cost of being black abroad.

2008-11-05T11:38:00.000-08:00

The cost of being black abroad.

So I almost missed my plane because the guy at immigration was having
a hard time accepting my arabic name, black skin, and immaculate
diction. I must me from Sudan somalia Yemen or something like that.
There is no wayyyy that I am purely american. I was about to ask about
the president elect... But he would have proved their point.

Sent from my iPod

Thou shall not.....

2008-11-04T05:22:00.000-08:00

Thou shall not.....

Too many times on this trip I find that I am trying to look and covet
anothers wife or girl or mother or something equally not healthy. And
Last night at pascha was no digferent. there were lots of interesting
types ....actually there weren't, the same clubbers that I see
regardless of the location. Last night was the same with one added
twist, prostitutes. And it really isn't fair. I can hardly tell the
working girls from the not working ones... Ok that's a lie, the
working ones looked smoking and dresses to the nines , often dancing a
bit too hard , and would give very flirtatious looks to those living
lavishly.

One girl was standing next to the bar with this guy. She was dancing
for him and as I came around, she moved off of him and started
gyrating right in front of me. So what am I supposed to do ? Part of
me is like woo hoo , this cute russian looking girl is dancing for me.
Then the other half keeps playing back the warnings from the
guidebooks about the natashas that frequent the night spots with the
pimps never far behind. And though I don't know much. I so know how
rare it is for these things to happen. So I just kinda look away.
Although I want to look. Then I think to myself , looking is free. So
I look. It's awesome. I took into all the details from the sequins in
the dress to the intricate french manicure. Her handler, because ul
call him that, is watching me watching her and reports this to her
which results in her dancing harder. After a few sings it starts to
feel creepy , so I take my drink and walk away.
I feel a tap on my shoulder a few secs later and it's the pimp. Asking
me for a tip for the dance. I laugh. Pat him on the back and say well
done.
And walk away with a chuckle.
Sharm ...

Sent from my iPod

Expensive cheap hotels.

2008-11-02T06:20:00.000-08:00

Expensive cheap hotels.

I get to my hotel at 8am and am tired and grumpy and a lil hungover.
To top it, there was a chill in Cairo and a heat in sharm, so I was
overdressed and hot. Now. I'm at the hotel hungry and the room
wouldn't be ready for another 30-40 minutes. The super quick feint
desk guy is like you can go sit over there until the room is ready,
but I suggest that I sit in the restaurant and have breakfast while I
wait. This being Egypt and them not knowing or understandin the
concept of concessions that was a total no go. Since I had a few mind
to kill and a grumpy mood to stoke I asked him who could give me a
better answer than no. He said the manager. I asked him to be called.
Then I asked the same guy where was his nametag and why wasn't it on.
I think that this really caugh him by surprise and I even surprised
myself with that level of being an ass.
As the manager comes and attempts to explain that my breakfast
priveledge starts tomorrow morning. I look him square in the eye and
say "so your telling me , and I want you to be clear, that you , the
hyatt brand, would rather lose me as a customer, because as you can
see I stay at your hotels often hence my platinum status , over some
breakfast? "

He looked at me and said "yes". Wow.
I think if I had not already paid for the room I would have took my
business and left right then and there. I suppose there was also a
lost in translation moment, but that's ok, I'll ensure the reviews I
write in trip advisor, lonely planet, expedia, hotels.com , orbits,
kayak, Thomas cook and others will be in the clearest language ever ....

Sent from my iPod

So far. Lavish.

2008-11-01T20:54:00.000-07:00

So far. Lavish.

Not only did I meet a royal from bahrian. But an official invite to
stay at his house ( read palace) for new years... Wow.

Hmmm.....

So far. This is one hell of an interesting trip.
It's 6 am. I'm at an airport ready to go to the vacation portion of my
vacation. Sharm al sheikh.

Sent from my iPod

Cairo

2008-10-31T17:15:00.000-07:00

Cairo

on the way back to my lavish hotel. May go to a party tonight
depending on if I meet the right group tonight.

My dinner friends were so awesome. Great food and great lighthearted
conversation. Then at the coffee house and the discussion that started
with a question of political choice and womens rights and political
systems a be after moving to the bar discussing dictatorships and
monarchies and all that. It was soo good to differ in opinions and
talk about it.

Last night was great and even though I couldn't not get into the
embassy because it was packed

Side note. Love lockdown is on the radio right now. I'm in a cab in
Cairo Egypt right now btw.

Ok. So we went to an awseome bung of parties afterwards. I like this
country. But still ... Beirut.

Tomorrow I will meet a friend of a friend. I'm curious as to what will
come from this, since I pretty much went all in w/ c.
I really like my Cairo friends. Goooooo bama!!!!!

Sent from my iPod

I'm such a newb

2008-10-30T10:29:00.001-07:00

I'm such a newb

Why did I just pay 300le ($60ish) for a damn wig? Wow this party
better be worth it. Actually , it is already snapping up to be a
promising night.

Less than 5 hours in country and already see that tonight is going to
be a grand old session in managing different groups of people.

Sent from my iPod

I met another one

2008-10-30T05:12:00.000-07:00

I met another one

On my way to the airport I met an interesting character that proves
again... We are all only human.

To catch my plane to cairo I had to leave one airport and head
directly to another. This other airport was far to me. I have no
reference to distance, so I offered a few cabbies what I thought was a
fair price. The first cab agreed but then said he was going to drop me
at a shuttle a few miles away from the airport.... Ummmm no .

The second cab agreed to take me for the price offered, but also
turned on the meter.
We chatted. Laughed. Talked about life. He showed me pics of his kids.
Asked what was wrong with me that I did bit have a family of my own.
We talks economics and aspirations. We even talked about religion. I
mean this guy was grilling the he'll out if me and then some. I was
answering truthfully until he asked me about how much I make a year.
Normallybi am happy to share my compensation amount , but this time it
diane seem right.
A second before the question I as asking him about where he goes on
vacation and he said that he couldn't afford to.

As we get to the airport. I look at the meter. 7jd. My dumb ass had
been making offers of 25jd. I was wonderin if he was going to give me
a break since we basically were family now. But nope. He took the
money like it was not even a thought and bid me along my way.

On all fairness I am the one who offered the amount of roughly 35 for
the ride which actually cost 15. But come on man.... I well this IS
supposed to be the LAVISH trip.

Sent from my iPod

The dark side of Baghdad coffee

2008-10-29T13:07:00.000-07:00

The dark side of Baghdad coffee

Tonight was the first time in a long time that I was able to see my
friend Tina since she moved to another base away from the
international zone. We are having a great time and are joined by our
friend cam.

Halfway through the evening I decide to try the spiced chai from the
coffee shop... Not a big problem. Until an hour later.
After dinner , and I should have known that this as going to happen,
the coffee drink has my stomach tightening up. Basically it was
telling me that something big was about to happen. Sure enough... The
tightening of the abs were leading somewhere I was not prepped to go ,
but it was either the porta john or my pant leg...

Wow. I think I got definition in another section of my abs, and lost
like 2 lbs. Good thing for me is that Tina is a dr . And she didn't
make me feel bad for being away for so long taking one of the most
satisfying poos ever.

Actually I think she was inclining to do the same thing.

Ok. Halloween tomorrow night. Go coffee , I don't think my chip and
dale outfit will be able to handle it.

Sent from my iPod

Last Year

2008-10-28T03:08:00.000-07:00

I wrote this last year. People ask about the security surge here and if it makes a difference.
I used to track a metric about attacks on people...the curve and trend were definitely downward. People here no longer have to ask if their children will return home from school, and can now be concerned with if the power will stay on long enough to watch Oprah.

Are things working?

Below, One year ago.

7 am snooze
:15,:30,:45,8,:15...snooze.
8:17, groggy eyes open, walk outside to allow the crisp desert air shock me to alertness. 8:18 Stretch, yawn.
8:19. the bomb went off.
And my heart is racing. Indeed, I should have snoozed to 8:30 because I know I can sleep through the explosions, however, If I am lucid, they irk the hell out of me.

So I find myself sleeping more, thinking naught but of the last thoughts before I close my eyes.
-my family
-my her
-my outfit for the next morning
-what if there is no next morning.

Some mornings there are no explosions, no rockets, no bombs, nothing. And others.....well, It is still a warzone.sooooo yeah. I signed up for this.

Your aura is offending my bubble

2008-10-27T23:50:00.000-07:00

I hate being talked down to.

Actually, I dont mind being talked down to, but I hate being dismissed.

Scenario:
Im in the office, and someone brings something up. I engage them in conversation, and then they just start ignoring me. LIKE REALLY?
Why did you bring it up? Why are you talking to me in the first place. Actually...get out of my office. Its too early to be so ....ugh.

Also, please stop bitching in my office. Please Please Please. We all work in a tight environment, but to bitch constantly about everything....and everyone....and all the processes....EVERYTHING. COME ON MAN. ugh.

Indecision

2008-10-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

I dont know what it is about this time of the year, but indecision is at a height.

Looking back to one year ago this time. We were getting rocket showers, my how far we have come.

Looking back two years ago this time. I was wondering when my internship would come through. Working at a hotel parking cars, and looking at the nice cars and wondering and dreaming when it would be MINE.

Beirut.

2008-10-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

Driving through downtown Beirut I saw buildings with pockmarks on the
wall.
At the time I thought it was because the buildings were old, but it
is because the the bullet marks were not repaired from whenever the
last conflict took place.

I really wish that I could live on lebanon. Like. Seriously that
place has it going on. I wonder what India will be like. I know that
it is a different kind of experience.

Here is to you Lebanon. I love you.

Sent from my iPod

What happened?

2008-10-22T04:04:00.000-07:00

Suddenly the tables are turned.
It is no longer she looking for my approval and attention, but its the other way around. I am increasingly looking at that thread which is rapidly dissolving into barely a strand making up the whole. Inevitable? Maybe.
Self defeating prophecy?....probably.

My inability to maintain a real relationship because of my equal inability to stay in one damn country/city/ locale...well, maybe except for Baghdad. Baghdad seems to be the one place that I can stay put, but I honestly feel like it is a complacency that has developed and not this great desire to do a good job. I mean, that is also there in a sense...I do like controlling this money, but ....its just so easy to NOT move. Its so easy to be a drone bee. Im becoming what I did not want to become. Complacent.

Its the near end of October, and I have not applied or even seriously contacted any graduate schools. Nothing. I met a security type guy today, and he was talking about his friends in intelligence all over the world and the languages that he spoke, and I felt ignorant because Im only at 3 languages :(. So now I am lazy and stupid.

Ok. Im done with the Pity Party. Right now, Im changing things around.
Step one is to buy my tickets for my next vacation, which is in a few days.
I need an apt title for it.

Past titles to trips:
sexiest trip ever
most random trip ever
cheapest trip ever

I got it,
~Lavish~
Although that does sound kind of gay, I believe it will pretty much sum up this trip. My most lavish trip ever. HEHE. I got this !

And in addition, if this is going to be a lavish trip, then the gloves have to come off....Hot women embargo week is effectively over once I board that airplane.
No More of this....

Its just got to be that way....

What you want me to do? Im Sorry!

Black Planet

2008-10-20T04:03:00.000-07:00

Or...BP as its affectionately called by those of us in the know.

A friend of mine was chatting this one girl up and upon asking for her facebook info (why not just get a number), she tells him that she does not have a facebook (nothing wrong with this), but then proceeds to tell him that she does have a black planet account though?
I mean, really??? But who am I to criticize. The fact that she has one means that there is still a few people who havent jumped ship to the more efficient and globally inclusive web2.0, or they are just hardcore exclusive types who want to "keep it real" at all times in all things.
He also mentioned that shes a hippy type, and we all know what these hippie types are like.

BUT I digress.
Once, while out, I too chatted up a girl, and upon the departure, inquired about her number...She gave me a pager number, and then looked at me with unsure eyes as I looked at her with questioning eyes.
Then I spoke.
"Are you a doctor?" I asked with excitedment.
"No....why?" She responded.
"Um...drug-dealer?"
"seriously, do I look like a pusher?" she retorted
"What the hell you giving me a pager number for..no no, WHY do you even HAVE one of these things?"

She yanked the number out of my hand, claimed that her phone was off or some shit, and stalked off. Um...I wonder if that is what getting someones black planet would have been like. The kicker.... shes an Indian girl!!!

hehe, sometimes..you just dont know. But how come BP brings back memories of really really really bad dates?

Oprah. The big Give

2008-10-19T12:07:00.000-07:00

So.....I turn the TV on, and there it is...Oprah's Big Give....sooooo there are the TV producers who drive around and have a goal to find the saddest stories. People to help. So like, its a competition to find sad and distressed people in America and display them.

Spoiler Alert: I will hate on Oprah..

OK. So like...really?

I cant even write about this. After working 12 hours and briefly turning on the boob tube as I change into my evening reading clothes...I have fallen out of awe with the Oprah woman.

Thats kind of sad, but whatever.
I lost my motivation behind this post. Because shes making money off of others misfortune...in the guise of helping them :(

Shame on you. Wag of my finger.

Pop culture stuff.

2008-10-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

She said, Put a Ring On It.

So....if I like the song then put a ring(tone) on it :). Marketing on so many levels.
And then I look at a video with Ne Yo and the ...NKOTB? Werent they doing ... I dont know...their own lives?
I mean, kids, wives, 401ks and such. But then they come out like "hey, if Jay can do it at 40, so can we!"
And here we have it. NKOTB and Ne Yo...kinda ironic, but I like it. Im glad to hear Polo da Don on the beat and not wrapping about throwing some Ds. on that bitch.

Why is the put a ring on it song just keep on playing? Maybe I should put a ring on it?

The idea of home

2008-10-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

I met a girl on one of my flights. She told me she cries when she sees the tips of the white capped mountains and the crystal blue of the beautiful waters of her home. Lebanon.

Ever since that conversation Ive been wondering two things. Will she ever email me like she said she would, and more seriously, I wonder what it feels like to be that connected to an idea of Home.

Having lived in so many places in across my life, there is no single idea of what home is. How can I define home? Is it the home of my parents? Is it the place of my birth? I recognize with neither that well, but then again I dont want to deny either.

And neither accepts me 100% .

So does that technically make me homeless?

It is in a way surreal. I am at one of sadams old palaces listening to someone attempt kareoke.

2008-10-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

It is in a way surreal. I am at one of sadams old palaces listening to
someone attempt kareoke.
This is escapivism in it's finest iteration of sorts. This guy
doesn't even know his song, but somehow this does not matter. What
matters right now is that he is a coast guard of chimpanzees or
something of that sort.

I suppose I should get up there and sing my sad country song at the
top of my voice. I mean anything is possible in this strange country
of wonder and oil.

But someone is already doing that song.
It's time for me to catch my bus.

Sent from my iPod

Can't get away with from it.

2008-10-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

Even in baghdad in this remote part of the world, the misconceptions
of the us are perpetuated.
I am in this market going about my shopping and this guy is asking me
where such and such is.
My natural response to him was " good question. But I don't work here. "

I mean. I'm dressed to the nines, look professional, and have a blue
badge... Really ?

After responding on such a witty manner, I pointed him in the right
direction with a smile. Who said customer service was lacking over
here , regardless of if I was his working or nice. Good thing we are
just ordinary people.

Ugh. And it continues.

Sent from my iPod

It must be the air

2008-10-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

Across the world, tonight seems to breed heavy hearts.

We still may be waiting for the first bite of a late autumn chill to shake us into normalcy again. But somehow, I dont think that will cure the collective feeling of being down and out.

But, we all have our reasons.

The idea of it all...

2008-10-09T15:25:00.001-07:00

Tonight was a pretty interesting night, although it kind of happened in slowwww mooootion.

After working 12 hours, finally able to pull away from the office, I started to look forward to the evening.
First to arrive at my spot was the super cute and super married little one. She is like a lil fairy whenever she is around. We get along so well, but still I refrain from being in close proximity with her because, yep you guessed it..married. So legitimately, we are friends. But there are times when I was like...yo...uh....wheres your husband. I CAST THEE AWAY FROM ME!! I REBUKE THEE!!!. lol. but then there are times when we can sit and get twisted and be aiight. Honestly, shes like a me...but a her.

Anyway. we chill for a bit, some company comes over and then realization 2 comes.

Women LOVE watching adult movies. Seriously. Im watching this movie called Lust, Caution. When the doorbell rang the first time, it was actually on one of the 2 sex scenes, and I was like great, now they think all I watch is porn. So i forwarded it to the next scene. Anyway, as the drinks flow, they are like...heyyyy play the scene. (It was two women, and they both wanted to see it...so i showed it.) I already saw it, but watching them watch it was interesting. I mean, i dont know if they were looking at it from the artistic aspect as I was, or if it was for some kind of idea generating event. But either way, it was a quite occurrance and we all pretty much had our own thoughts.

later in the evening, some friends joined us and we went to one of the Embassies for a party.
Realization number 3
Women like men who can move

Realization number 4
Those women dont always like to move themselves..they dont know how.

Realization number 5
Jealousy transcends culture...
Why did a girl tell me that she deleted my number and then look surprised when I laughed in her face....like really? 9th grade???facepalm.

Realization number 6.
Sometimes....you just got to go with it.
As I was on the balcony overlooking the party and someone started to remove my shirt....I guess?!?

Realization number 7-10.
If you couldnt get the girl after realization number one, the more alcohol she has probably wont change that. If she wants you pre realization one, you have a good chance after a few sips.
but hey, like Brain always said to Pinky, there is always tomorrow.

So tonight I saw Wall- E.

2008-10-08T11:26:00.000-07:00

I suppose the movie was totally worth the two hours that I spent at the theater. The movie was pretty cute, I have seen others. Made me laugh...but lord knows it was no Shrek.

The day was pretty long. So I guess I am going to go home and watch some more of Lust,Caution and then possibly read a bit more of my dragon book.

Work related, I think I may have a bit too much on my plate. Honestly I am doing so
much each day and I am not getting the personal things finished as I would like to. I still need to know who is going to be the benefactor of my life if anything should happen to me.

I can't keep on watching these sad movies without wondering about myself... Enough of that. Now that I know I can write my thoughts in this thing, I'll be able to be a mobile blogger... Granted I have a connection. This thing is awesome

Sent from my iPod

Perhaps

2008-10-08T06:12:00.000-07:00

And it occurred to me as I was in the midst of getting some coffee (the free kind) downstairs, that I still kind of have the opportunity to ask her to marry me.
Then on other levels even that is the wrong tact to this issue. I will still be here, she will still be there. When I return to America, who knows where I will be. Since of course there is no plan, doesnt that mean I can make a plan concrete? Yes and No...because I dont know if I want to live in Atlanta again.
Even though I have never lived there as an adult, always at my moms place...how can I live in the same city as my mother does...without living with her? I dont know. Alot of my friends (2) have moved back home after college and live with their parents, well into their 20s...but at 25? Its not like I am a failure or anything...far from it. But does it make sense?

I dont need to have my own place. Unless I want to be bad...kind of how I like to am anyway...but...it would be fun to have to sneak around again :D

hehe, they would call me a scrub and laugh as they walk away. Its ok. I know what im worth.

A Pre-Divorce Divorce

2008-10-08T02:09:00.000-07:00

When you have never been married, but have had multiple divorces, what kind of person have you become?
I find myself feeling like I have just emerged from the separation of that harsh world of a divorce...yet, I have never been married. But it felt like I was married, and with that marriage came 2 years of separation. Voluntary as it may have been it was separation nonetheless. I am here, and she is there. Far away from me. So very far. So far in fact, that our closest encounter has been on the iChat, which is cool on some levels, but wrong on so many other levels.

So the decision was made to cut the throat of the elephant in the room, and allow the window and idea of reincarnation to live just incase our elephant decided to be reborn.

I know, its weird to speak like that, but I have just been listening to Sarah Palin talk, and I feel like Im getting better at avoiding the question by giving an answer that makes you go hmmmmm.

A year into it, and I am still healthy. No major injuries save a finger smashed in the car door after a long night of having a good time. The time has certainly flown. I think if someone told me last August that I would still be in Iraq in October, I would have shaken my head and said surely you jest...but they do not jest. I am truly still here.
It really is not as bad as it seems on the news, but then again...I do live a fairly privileged and sheltered life. The major draw of course is the whole long distance relationship thing... but now that im single... :\

I dont know. . .

And more so the difficult part is knowing that my other half...my better half, is out there coping with this by herself.I know she feels alone, but what can I do when my absence and presence both cause her pain? Should I offer a hybrid but deject presence or a complete absence. In the past I would take the route to look like an ass and make her want to get away from me...but that was me before I met this one.

On to something different.

Sometimes a tear or two are needed...

2008-09-04T15:23:00.000-07:00

I dont know if I have ever cried, or wanted to cry at a movie. Maybe with the exception of The Hunchback of Notredame (Disney version), and that was only because I was in love with Esmarelda....

I just finished watching this movie Inshalla Dimanche (Maybe Sunday), and I don't know if I am on the verge of tears, or wish that I were eeking out one or two little drops. It was just so damn beautiful, sad, happy, amazing, lovely, and tragic...all at the same time.
It is about an Algerian woman who moves to France to be with her husband and the trials of adjusting to French life, and then she has to deal with an evil mother-in-law to boot. The film is simple enough, but this woman endures and endures and endures. Its just a toast to the resilience of the human spirit and I suppose to the burden faced by women in certain cultures.
Violence against women takes many forms, all of which I can never fully understand because:
a) I am not one
b) I am not violent against women...knowingly.

This movie came together for me. Knowingly. It all just came together. The music, the scenery, the actors, the family, everything. There was no sex (a normal prerequisite for my films), no guns, nothing...just real emotion.

Sometimes we need to see films like these to ground us. It is not only about the flashiest productions, or the largest budget, or even the most flesh....at times. Its about connecting with the actors in a way that imitates life.
That, is what a good movie is all about.

I tip my hat to Inshalla Dimanche.

Another Cycle, and a Critical Look

2008-05-12T06:20:00.000-07:00

I have seen it happen before, but none before just now. It hit me again after I got of the phone with my last pseudo girlfriend.
She was engaged. Taken to the top of the Eiffel tower and proposed to. How cliche yes, but according to the people in my office, cliche works. If it aint broke...dont fix it right .... right.

Or something like that. I tend to find myself dating girls who are in a whole unattainable, and then when I do have them, I do something ridiculous like let them go, or write them off and blame it on my travel schedule. True, my affinity for travel trumps my desire for closeness and continuity. Dont get me wrong I have tended to maintain contact with these women for an incredible amount of time, like...years...but never going there...or once they are there but change, they tend not to go back to where they were.

It is a complexed set of events, but even more so now that a majority of my friends are in seriously committed relationships, or are considering popping the questions, or have popped the question, or have children, or just doing SOMETHING regarding that next step. And no matter how much it hits me that I could and should also be working towards that end, I seem to be...not getting anywhere.

It is almost silly though. I mean, I have the option and the grace of all these women, but still have not found her. Crazy thing is...I have found her so many times that its just ridiculous that I am not WITH the HER. I think that kind of thing changes often as well.

Gladly I have long since given up the feeling sorry for myself because she was not around attitude and have accepted to adapt to every situation as it comes.
I know I have the skills to woe them, I have the skills to make them love me. It is embedded into my genes...just like my daddy.
But still, the desire to connect on that level is strong. Not seeing women as objects was easy, seeing them as life partners, also easy...actually finding my life partner, well that one will take some work I suppose.

I feel like I am not destined to be one like the rest.
It has been so and will always be so.

And here I am. At 25. Single. No kids. Many loves. five years to go.

Relationships, Anniversaries, Danger, and Sexy Money

2008-05-10T05:39:00.000-07:00

Many of my friends are in that limbo time. Limbo time is the anniversary/break-up/renewal/pissed off at/single time of the year. It is quite crazy actually. Since no one wants to admit a vulnerability and a need to have a person on the arm to validate them, I suppose that it is ok to be in that state of things. All I know, for sure is that my constant state of NOT being in that situation makes it...interesting when looking at my friends.

I had a conversation with a former lover this morning after the alarms went off. There was such a need to control the possibility that things could spin out of hand at any moment and somehow turn to where it was in the past. Including physical emotions where there really should be none. But that yearning to go back to what is familiar. And it really was that good...

Thsi time next week I will be looking forward to going back home. But I hate homecoming. I do not like the choice of dwelling that my family decided to go on. Honestly, it is because the small town thing never really grew on me, and it is also because Georgia really isnt that cool of a place. I mean, there are all these self important people that live there who assume that you give a damn about who they are or what they do...When really, why the hell should it matter.
Which leads me to another issue.

VIP lines at clubs. WTH, I mean, yes, exclusivity generally rules the scene. If you want something to sell, make it exclusive. But really, when I am at a club, do I need to be behind the red line, ordering more expensive drinks, and dancing with people who expect MORE out of you, or can I just be comfortable hanging out with the regular, non self important people whose everyday lives makes it ok to not have to go to a night club to feel important. Sometimes I just want to ask those 'VIP' what makes them special. If it is the ability to purchase a bottle of vodka and pay extra to get in...well, so be it. But I can almost guarantee that my $5-$10 cover (go earlier than midnight), $4-$8 drink (stick to the basics ____ +vodka), and my dancing where a majority of the people in the club are anyway (non-VIP) section, will make my night just as fun as yours...especially when I leave with the knowledge that if I wanted to pretend I was self important...I could. But what is the point. That $300 bill that you got at the end of the night could have gone to something a bit more productive than flossing.....Im not hatin, Im just saying.

Because I cant make this stuff up

2008-05-04T01:25:00.000-07:00

While doing my interneting today, I came across this post below:

Waz up ladies, i just got out of a relationship, and im just lookin for someone to hang out with while im on house arrest. yeah i know house arrest, i feel like disturbia lol, im not a hardened criminal or anything like that, i just got caught up making the wrong decisions. regardless of all of that, im still in college, just got inducted into the honor society, and i still work, i just want someone i can chill with and talk too. anyway people say im very intellectual, i like to play and chess and i like watching the discovery channel, history channel, the news, and even cartoons. i can get a long with anyone and can have a conversation about anything and i have a great since of humor. i really like all types of women so i dont discriminate, i just want a cute, funny, smart girl who like to have fun. after i get off house arrest i plan on traveling, finishing my last year of college and going to get my masters, and just having fun with the lady of my life and my friends while i try to get wealthy. but anyway, if house arrest is not to much for you hit me up so we can talk later....
----

Ok, so um....REALLY?

I honestly should not try to hate on this guy for attempting to make a people connection. Sometimes that is just really hard. But I wonder if this guy actually met someone who is also searching for that kind of connection to ... link up with.

True, this may be a gag post, but meh..I like the courage of the poster. But honestly...I think he should stay in college for a few more years. The masters may be aiming a bit high. But why am I hating. Do your thing man.

The Baghdad I have come to call home

2008-05-01T02:40:00.000-07:00

I feel like this entire county is nothing but one duck and cover to the next. I really have not enjoyed daylight for the last week for the fear of an impending barrage of missiles. Small tasks like taking a shower or washing clothes require me to summon up all of my courage and walk in determined steps, always looking towards finding the next bunker.
I did not find or know the men that died. But they were both very near on their way to leaving. I grieve for their families.
I also grieve for the comrades that I left and am leaving to enjoy the fruits of my labor. My travel plans are extreme, but people know I am one to always enjoy myself.
I am always on the move, and I am always thinking about the future....I am almost going to be 25.

A quarter of a century.

Letting Go

2008-04-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

How do we let go to something? Truly let go of it, shake it off, breathe anew, and NOT go back to wishing that we still had 'it' in our lives?

I honestly wonder about that sometimes. Actually, I wonder about it alot. Even after having become so good at saying goodbye to places, people, and things. I sometimes find myself reminiscing about the past, and how I came to be here without being there, having it, or being with that person.

It is so easy to throw up those two fingers and say peace, with conviction even. But as that beautiful character from Closer did, when you dont love someone, you dont love em. Thats it. But that does not mean that you do not care for them. That does not mean that when you are alone at night and you hear the booms outside of your window which shake the mantle and your glass of water, that you dont wish you were there next to them, wherever they are in the world. That does not mean that the regret that you hold in your heart for asking them to marry you only knowing that the answer that they would give was going to be no. But the question had to be asked. . .

But how do we maintain friendships with those who touched our hearts so closely and then decided to depart? We shun them. Because a leopard never changes its spots. A scorpion will always be a scorpion and it is in their nature to sting us.
Someone whose manner needs to hurt others does not know how not to. Even if all is going well, they need to bring the dagger out and stick it in to emphasize the fact that the feeling of being happy is not the feeling which they are accustomed to and no one else should have that joy of just...being.

I have said goodbye to so many that it is becoming habit. When I hear the strings of that symphony being tuned, I resign to the feeling that comes with it knowing that this too shall pass. I even council my friends on the best methods of forgetting and moving on. Easiest way I say is to just let go and leave all communication to the past. But I reserve the best medication for myself. It involves leaving, but they do not know that it involves leaving a whole life behind and creating a new one. Being a new person. Even leaving ones country of birth to seek a new life elsewhere. And then even that become habitual. It is habit that it works and then becomes habit to leave even before things turns sour. Thus the medicine becomes the malady...

And I love my medicine almost as I love my malady but I can not continue this fucked up addiction.

I HAVE to speak on this

2008-04-27T09:58:00.000-07:00

Ive been trying to maintain a silent demeanor for the last few weeks to kinda reflect on the state of the world. I cannot remain silent any longer. Some of this stuff going on is just...too much.

The thing that made me smh this week (shake my head).

"Penis theft panic hits city"- Reuters....
"Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft."

Really Africa...REALLY? Penis theft? I mean come on. Seriously. It is bad enough that there is famine and Robert Mugabe...but penis theft?
Ok, lets walk through the hypothetical start of this issue.

Man gets married. This man most likely could be a big figure, lets equate him to upper middle class. On the first night of the marriage, the wife is...unimpressed at the mans lack of manhood. So instead of doing other supermoves in the bedroom, dude is like....WTF happened to the rest of it. I swear there was more last night!!!....it must have been that witch down the street that put the evil eye on me or stole my penis!!!....
and then the violence gets stupid.

Dear people of the Congo.
Stop stealing penises. Also, please stop shrinking penises. It is not nice, and quite often can be embarrassing if you expect it to be there, and WHAM...no penis. Think of the health implications. Think of the shame. I mean, come on...

Also, please dont steal mine. I still use it for good in this world. . . like a super hero or something. ;)

My beef with the NYT and "FRUGAL"

2008-04-26T23:44:00.000-07:00

Frugal: entailing little expense; requiring few resources; meager; scanty

I am out of touch with the real world, I know this...I admit it. But am I that out of touch?
Looking at the New York Times it shows:
Frugal Traveler | Kyoto, Japan
"Seeking Tranquility, on Less Than $200 a Day!"

$200 a day? $200 a DAY!!!!!!

Wow. I mean, dont get me wrong, I have often been able to travel to different places around the world but calling $200 a day frugal?

I dont get it, some people in the world live on less than $2 a day. So it would be roughly 100 days (almost a third of a year) to enjoy that 'FRUGAL' New York Times kind of vacation.

Or maybe its Japans way of saying " No Poor(ish) people allowed!"

For the weekend, the article goes on to say that it will cost $500. OMG, maybe its me, and I am still living in my college budget days (because it is hard to get away from living life on the cheap), but damn $500 and no dancing ladies included? Hmm..sound investment....buy a picture book and call it a day.

And the kicker is that it is not even considering airfare, which generally runs around $500-$1000 round trip from the states.

Ok. I do know that tourism is a major source of income for lots of countries. I mean, it gives places like Jordan the gall to charge some $300 dollars a night and Egypt some $400 a night at select hotels....even when the people on the street are rioting about the price of wheat.

Inequality? Yes.
People think I am crazy when I talk about living in a country for a few months on less that $1000 US. But the way I see it, if they can do it, why the hell cant I?

That said, I think the New York Times needs a new 'frugal' traveler. The one that they currently employ is way out of touch with the idea of frugal...or is it just me, but I thought that frugal=cheap. And me, Im frugal all the way.